I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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