bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
