I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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