Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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