She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
