She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
