Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
