i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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