I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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