I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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