Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize