Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
