i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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