just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
