You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
