Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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