I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
