Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
