He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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