I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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