So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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