upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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