I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
