walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
4 words: hood of his car
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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