Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
