It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
