how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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