i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
