My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
