I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
