just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
