I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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