i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So gin and wine won't be happening again
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
