if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
