He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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