And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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