I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You smell like stripper and shame
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
