He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
