Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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