plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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