oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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