I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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