just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
