sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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