I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
