the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
