The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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