He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
