Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
