The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize