I can't breathe out the right side of my face
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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