Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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