Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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