My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
