I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
