I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
